Tips for picking a retirement home where you can thrive

August 08, 2024

As my husband, Ward, and I drove away from the two-story white house that had been our cozy home in Falls Church, Va., for the last 25 years, the cold fact of what we had done hit me hard.

We had sold our house, and now, in our 70s, we were going to live in a retirement community.

We loved our home of 25 years. We had watched it being built, but in our hearts and gut we knew it was time to plan for the future. It helped that the young couple who bought our home loved it and would care for it as much as we did.

We decided it was time to move to a retirement community because the work of maintaining a large home, with a hilly lawn and garden was becoming too difficult for our aging bodies and increasing problems with health. (I was 78, and Ward was 73.) Moreover, we wanted the freedom from home and lawn care so we could travel while we were able.

But like many people who leave their homes as they face the realities of aging, we also worried about maintaining independence and losing our privacy.

Before making this life-changing decision, it helped that we had done the necessary homework, analyzing finances and poring over articles about retirement, debating the pros and cons endlessly and praying. But that didn’t make it easy.

Fortunately, we found a faith-based nonprofit retirement community close to where we lived. We moved into a two-bedroom apartment with a balcony. That was 14 years ago.

To help you make a decision about retirement living, I suggest getting on mailing lists of various communities, looking at their websites and attending their open house days. Speak with residents, ask questions about relationships with staff and get a feel for the vibe.

At one community where we had dinner, the residents didn’t interact with the servers. It was very formal. In our community, the staff and residents are friends. Many of us feel almost like grandparents of the young people who work here. We know their names and their goals in life.

Finances also play a role in deciding whether to move to a retirement community. We were fortunate to have adequate income from my husband’s career as a naval officer. I strongly suggest that before making a decision about a retirement community, it is wise to discuss not only current expenses, but also future needs. As we were making our decision, we both had chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, mild at the time, but what of the future when we required nursing care?

I know people who have found quality care on tight budgets. My sister is a widow on a teacher’s pension. She lives in a small apartment, but she tells me she is happy and secure because of how caring and helpful everyone is, including top management, the staff and the community’s driver. For both of us, we’ve learned that a caring staff is a top priority, and it seems to me you can only find out about that by talking with the residents who live in the places you are considering. Speak candidly at the open houses and watch how residents interact with the staff.

I chuckle to think of what we had expected in an apartment building. What about our precious privacy? Without a house and yard to care for, what would we do? Would our lives have a purpose?

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Some people struggle to embrace living in a retirement community — perhaps they had less choice in the matter because their families insisted they move. Or they miss the familiarity of the homes where they lived and made memories for decades.

For us it was important to embrace this new chapter in our lives. We joined the community with enthusiasm, and we made deep, loving friendships and expanded our horizons with people of other faiths and interests. And we achieved our goal of traveling more, visiting 15 countries since moving here.

Ward, a wine aficionado, initiated a fine wine seminar that continues. I discovered my latent artistic talent in our art center where I happily dripped watercolors on paper to create abstract art. Amazingly, these “masterpieces” were hung in the resident exhibit in our large art gallery — and six sold!

Our community is a hive of activity, buzzing with white-haired residents crafting, exercising and doing charity work, like knitting sweaters for needy children or packing canned goods for the hungry. Some of us lead singalongs for the less mobile residents on the nursing care floor.

We have an annual spring talent show and tech support to learn how to use digital devices. We can do plenty of quiet reading if we want, and we comfort one another when needed in grief or caregiver groups. Outdoors, volunteers tend to a tree-shaded garden with birdbaths and bird feeders.

One friend heads up the Silver Panthers, a large group of residents who peacefully advocate for government policies and programs that uphold the well-being of our democratic institutions.

When, three years ago, after 10 wonderful years here, Ward unexpectedly died of COPD and pneumonia, I was flooded with comfort and love. Ward’s memorial service in our lovely chapel was standing room only.

Not long after Ward died, God sent me a sweet rescue cat, Cora, whose owner also had died. With purrs and petting we comforted one another until her passing last year. With her beside me I finally plowed through all the complicated stuff I call “widow’s work” — dealing with our finances, basic tax obligations, assets and other matters. Through research and asking zillions of questions, I got through it.

Now, at the age of 92, I know Ward and I made the right decision. Here on my balcony with a glass of chilled pinot grigio and fond memories of Ward and Cora, life is good in the retirement home.

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